any advice on how to talk to parents about making aliyah and leaving them in chul? Besides for the whole be respectful about it thing, any other ideas? How can it be made easier? more acceptable? And if they try to deny it, should one still try and talk to them or just keep going?

Oh, boy! Well that’s a loaded question and a very important issue. This is a very common issue too. I can only tell you about my experience dealing with my parents. So my father was always very supportive – after all his parents made Aliyah 30 years ago. My mother on the other hand as any Jewish mother would be was sincerely worried about my well being. She also didn’t want to miss me. So those are the two issues you really have to address. You have to let you parents know:

1. You will be successful with Aliyah.
2. You will still be in close contact with them.

My mother was concerned I’d be living on the street. So I explained to her I’d be in a Merkaz Klita for 6 months and during that time my cousin was going to help me find an apartment (he’s in real estate here). She was worried I wouldn’t be able to get a job and she was worried I wouldn’t be able to get a shidduch. Again each concern must be addressed with a plan – explain exactly how you are prepared for each challenge.

My mother was very reassured when I told her about my plan to find an apartment and even happier when I got mine and she was thrilled to visit.

As for the communications. Tell them you will get a VoIP phone. I have a 718 number in my Rechavia apartment. I also webcam with my parents almost every day. The first time my mother saw the webcam she actually said “Oh, boy if I knew I good this was I would have let you make Aliyah a long time ago!”

It’s also important to let them know that you don’t want to build up a family in America and it’s much easier to make Aliyah now. Tell them you hope they make Aliyah too. They will say they have careers. Ask them to retire to Israel and maybe to they could buy an apartment and visit for the chagim. (Loads of Americans are doing this.) Also let them know you will visit too! I was a little upset I had to spend last Pesach being yorah regel to New York but I realize it was important for my parents that I did. (I did ask them to come to Yerushalayim for Sukkos though.)

By the way, this is not an issue you should bring up overnight. It is something you should be talking about for years! I talked about it with my parents for maybe five years – maybe longer. In the end my mother become supportive of my decision as well (she would have preferred me not make aliyah but respects my decision). She even went so far as to defend my decision to others that criticized it.

And my parents are talking about buying an apartment here and another sibling plans to join me soon.

The important thing to remember is you have to emphasis that you are not running away! And you are not vanishing from the face of the earth. You just want their grandkids to grow up with a much richer Jewish life than is possible in America. And you should expect that your parents won’t agree with you. After all they haven’t made Aliyah. So be patient with them – fighting is not good! That’s why it’s best to work on this over the course of years! And not just to spring it on them as a surprise.

Good luck!

By the way this film might help (maybe you can show it to your parents): http://www.aliyahrevolution.com/

First, thanks
Second, I have been talking about this for a few years now, I didnt just drop it on them.
My mom DID in fact make aliyah (as seen in yordim thread), and had an awful experience. Thats part of the problem. She thinks that I will also have a bad experience. I plan on getting an American phone line, and so many people have suggested the webcam idea, but you know, its hard to hug a computer screen, and its certainly not the same.
My mom doesnt plan on living in Israel any time soon... and they do own an apartment (its rented out), but my parents havent been to Israel in years... thats part of the problem, my mother doesnt realize that times have changed. Of course I say I will visit, but she thinks about the day when she was here and she never visited due to financial reasons. I tell her things are diferent now, people travel more, etc, it doesnt work. I try to be reasonable...
I have explained to my parents that I want to start my life in Israel, and I dont want to put it off till I have a family to move to Israel. My dad tells me to do what I think is right, and my mother is just outright angry by it. She gets very upset whenever I mention it.
I dont want to put down the education I had in my home, after all I had a pretty "rich" Jewish education. (I live(d) in a huge religious Jewish community).
I am always careful to remain calm when discussing this with my mom, but everytime she gets angry at me. She says shed rather talk about it later, etc. I feel like shes in denial about it...
Trouble is, I've tried all this, but I dont seem to be able to get through.

Okay...well keep her informed of every step you take. For example tell her when you open your tik. Maybe once she realizes you are for real and she can't change your mind things will change.

I'm a parent who made aliyah and left parents in the States. I have not been able to get back for a visit due to financial constraints, I chat with my family online every week, and we just got a VOIP number (though it's still long distance for *my* family members), and the family is still split on how they feel about our being here -- going on 12 years now. And frankly, being so far from family is the one thing that never seems to get easier.

I'm going to recommend trying a change in your script to get through to your mother, just like the pros recommend to parents trying to get through to their kids.

Try relating to your mother's fears and concerns as valid concerns. "I understand why you are concerned about my financial security in Israel. It certainly is not easy to make a living there..." and then bring up your solid plans as Pinchas mentions. "I hear you that you're angry about my decision to make aliyah. I understand that anger is usually a secondary emotion. Is your anger coming from disappointment, fear, or hurt?" Try to be supportive of her even as you are firm in your decision. The more that you can find common ground, things you agree on, the more it will help in the communication. The more that you don't deny what her feelings are, the more she will be able to feel free to communicate them. Saying things like "Oh, don't be angry", or "Why are you angry?" will not help her feel like you understand. Even if you don't understand, it's important to let her know that you "hear" her anger.

Remember, all her concerns are valid to her. Validate her being concerned, and then make a plan to give her confidence. Her concerns will help you clarify your own plans, too.

And I hate to say it, but do expect a rocky ride with ups and downs. (I hope "ups.")

I've had many heated (but civil) discussions with my mother that stem purely from frustration ("You still don't have a job!? What do you do with yourself all day!") but there's the flip side when you succeed. ("Oh, wonderful you got a job and they are flying you into New York for Pesach!" Excellent!" )

You get what you expect more often than not. If you don't want a rocky ride, I'm saying change the script til you find an unrocky ride.

For instance, when your mother says in frustration, "You still don't have a job!? What do you do with yourself all day!", your first reaction which might just change the rockiness could be, "I hear that you are frustrated with my not having a job yet, Mom. I am, too. I agree that it would be great if I already had a job. Here's what I'm currently doing to make sure I get a job as soon as possible..." and tell her specific steps you are taking. Remind her after that of the wonderful Jewish upbringing she gave you which provides you with trust in Hashem that parnasa is from heaven (the gematrias are even the same of פרנסה and השמים ). Remind her that finding a job anywhere in the world is a challenge at times, and that Hashem will help you.

Yeah, that's pretty much how the converstation goes. Well I guess that's what I call rocky.

Parents usually would say wow what an amazing descion for any other child, but when it is your son/daughter you remember how far away they will be.

Truly a lesson you learn when you become a parent.