QUOTE
That's more than ten years older than me. You really call that picky?
PART ONE:
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . HaShem decided that Jack Schwartz and Jodi Cohen would be a great match, and that if they would only meet, they would quickly realize that, and enjoy a long and happy life together, and that if Moshiach hadn't yet come by then, that their first son would fill that role.
1996: Jodi Cohen, 20 years old, a graduate of Bais Yaakov and two years of seminary, decides that she is ready to be married. While Jack would have viewed her as perfect, some might say that Jodi has a number of problems. She is geographically undesirable, as she is from St. Louis. She hails from a poor family, with her father working as a shoe repairman. Finally, even though she wears a low-profile BY haircut and flat shoes with soles carefully ground to a millimeter thickness, people still can't help but notice that Jodi is a very tall girl.
Heeding the advice of her rebbeim, Jodi makes a pilgrimage to Sadie Sonovich in Brooklyn, a shadchanit who has made 17,321 matches.
Jodi: (Knock, knock.)
Sadie: (Opening door.) Yes?
Jodi: Hi, I'm Jodi.
Sadie: Gott in Himmel; how tall are you?! I mean, come in, come in, baruch ha-ba'ah.
Jodi: Thanks.
Sadie: Please sit down at this table. Would you like something to drink?
Jodi: No, thank you. I'm fine.
Sadie: I just made a match this morning, and then made two matches this afternoon.
Jodi: Wow! Have you ever made three in one day before?
Sadie: Oh, I don't really count. -- One day I made seven. Please sit down, I'll get a crick in my neck if I have to keep looking up at you.
Jodi: Umm, o.k.
Sadie uses a Polaroid camera to take a photo of Jodi, which she staples to a folder.
Sadie: So let's see, I have your biography here. Jodi Cohen, 20, Bais Yaakov, two years seminary. Now, how tall are you?
Jodi: I'm . . . I'm . . . 5'-8".
Sadie: Sweetheart. We have to be honest. I'm a very honest shadchan. You wouldn't want me to mislead you about boys, would you?
Jodi: Maybe 5'-9"?
Sadie: Are you still growing? Have you had your height checked lately.
Jodi: Oh, no, I haven't gotten any taller in four years.
Sadie: Baruch HaShem. And you haven't had your height checked in all that time?
Jodi: I have. I think I'm 5'-9".
Sadie: (Silence.)
Jodi: Maybe 5'-9 1/2".
Sadie: (Silence.)
Jodi: Maybe 5'-10".
Sadie: O.K. I'll put down 5'-10". For over a dozen years, I've been telling parents not to feed red meat to their girls, or at least to buy organic, which doesn't have growth hormones in it. But do they listen? Never. Now what are we going to do? Rachmana l'tzlan.
Jodi: I heard that you have a lot of boys.
Sadie: Oh, I have thousands of boys. Not many tall ones, though. Would you date a shorter boy?
Jodi: No, I'd like to find one over 6' tall.
Sadie: Naturally. Is your family wealthy?
Jodi: No; we're . . . no. My father owns a store.
Sadie: (Excited). Oh, what sort of store?
Jodi: Um, a shoe repair place.
Sadie: (Disappointed). Oh.
Jodi: (Her lower lip trembles.)
Sadie: Where do you live now?
Jodi: I'm back in St. Louis.
Sadie: I mean, where do you live here in New York?
Jodi: I don't. I just came here to introduce myself to you.
Sadie: Well, you don't expect boys to go to St. Louis to meet you, do you?
Jodi: Aren't boys supposed to travel to meet girls?
Sadie: (Peers over the top of her glasses.) Sweetheart, you're a poor girl, and you want to find a tall frum boy who's going to travel to meet you? Isn't that asking a lot?
Jodi: Oh, I have trust in HaShem. And I was told that you're the best.
Sadie: I am the best. And you're right to trust in HaShem. But it's also good to be flexible. Now, don't tell me that you also want a long-term learner, because those boys usually want rich girls.
Jodi: No. I'd . . . I'd rather find . . . (timidly). . . . a professional?
Sadie: O.K. That's all right. Don't worry, I won't fix you up with a bum, chas v'shalom. I only work with quality boys. Let's see what I can do.
Sadie goes to a bookshelf, full of loose-leaf binders. She removes one, and looks through an index, which cross-references to tall men. She jots down some numbers. She then pulls other binders and looks up the men, making clucking noises, marking other notes on a pad of paper. The process takes at least 15 minutes. Finally, she sits down in front of Jodi, and carefully places five photographs in front of her.
Sadie: These are five great boys. They are all over 6' tall, and are professionals. Do any appeal to you?
Jodi: (She looks closely, and chooses three of the photos.) These three.
Sadie: O.K. This one is a CPA. He's 25.
Jodi: That's a little old.
Sadie: A little old! You said you want a professional. There aren't many 20-year-old professionals.
Jodi: Well, I guess 25 is o.k.
Sadie: Now, this other boy is a doctor. He's 30.
Jodi: Oh, 30 is much too old.
Sadie: Did you hear me? I said, "he's a doctor."
Jodi: Who is this third boy?
Sadie: His name is Jack, he's an engineer. He's an incredible catch. But he's 35.
Jodi: Oh, no. I'm only 20 years old. Why would I be interested in a 35-year-old?
Sadie: Well, help me out, here. Why wouldn't you be interested in an incredible boy who is frum, who is tall, who is a professional, who doesn't care that you're from a poor family and a city named after a Catholic saint?
Jodi: But he's 15 years older than me.
Sadie: I know math. Explain the problem. You can't tell me that you wouldn't find a 35-year-old attractive, because you picked out his photo as someone you'd be interested in. And while secular girls might worry that an older boy wouldn't share their interests in the popular culture, frum people have the same values: our holy Torah and what it represents. So what is your concern?
Jodi: If I marry a boy my age . . .
Sadie: (Interrupting.) You're not going to find a professional your age.
Jodi: Men die at age 75, so if I marry a boy five years older than me, like this CPA, who's 25, then we'd have 50 years together. Whereas if I marry this 30-year-old doctor, we'd only have 45 years together, and if I marry this 35-year-old engineer, Jack, we'd only have 40 years together.
Sadie: This is all in HaShem's hands. There's no law that a man will die at age 75. I know men who are in their 80s and 90s. I know young girls who married boys their age, and they were widowed within a year or two when the husband developed cancer or was in an accident. And I know girls who died young the same way, and their husbands outlived them. How can you be sure that every man will live to be 75, and that you're going to outlive them? Jack's in great shape: he's slender, he exercises.
Jodi: Well, I know that it's in HaShem's hands, and that such tragedies happen. But I think we have to go by the general rule, and I'd rather have 50 years with a husband, rather than only have 40 or 45 years.
Sadie: O.K. I'll arrange for the CPA to call you, and we'll see how it goes.
Jodi: Thank you so much. (Rising.)
Sadie: No problem. Wow, you're so tall. Lo aleinu. At tiftach Satan.
She walks Jodi to the door, and as Jodi leaves, she thinks she hears Sadie murmur "meshaneh ha-b'riut."
* * *
Jodi goes out with the CPA for a couple of weeks, but decides that he's horribly boring.
PART TWO:
Sadie doesn't have any other prospects for the poor giantess from Saint Louis.
Jodi checks with other shadchanim, and has a few dates over the years. Sometimes boys actually travel to Missouri, whereas other times she has to travel to meet the boys. She is always disappointed. On one particularly painful occasion, she was told that she'd be meeting a boy who was 6'-4", and with great excitement she actually allowed her father to make her pumps with an inch of lift. However, upon meeting her date, she realized that there had been a typographical error of some sort, and that he was only 5'-4". She cried that night.
Years pass.
* * *
2001: Jodi is now 25, and all of her classmates from BY-St. Louis (i.e., the other six girls), have married. She again checks with Sadie.
Sadie: Well, I have a 30-year-old banker.
Jodi: Is his name Shmuel Shmeal?
Sadie: Yes. You'd already met him?
Jodi: Yes. About six months ago.
Sadie: And?
Jodi: He . . . he didn't want to see me again.
Sadie: Hmm. (She makes a notation.) I think he made a mistake. Now, the only other boys I can think of for you are -- I think we've discussed this before. I have a tall doctor, who's 35, and a tall engineer, who's 40.
Jodi: Oh, I couldn't go out with anyone more than 5 years older than me.
Sadie: They're both good-looking boys, in great shape. Their Torah values and yours are timeless. You don't watch t.v. or go to movies, do you?
Jodi: Well, sometimes.
Sadie: Tsk, tsk. (She makes a notation.)
Jodi: So I fear that a boy more than 5 years older than me wouldn't be aware of the popular culture.
Sadie: You don't know Jack.
Jodi: Pardon?
Sadie: Jack Schwartz. He's a ba'al tshuva, and he's hip to popular culture. Of course, he's still a nice frum boy.
Jodi: I just feel that men will die at age 75, and if I marry a boy five years older than me, like if I could have married Shmuel Shmeal, who was 30, then we would have had 45 years together. Whereas if I marry this 35-year-old doctor, we'd only have 40 years together, and if I marry this 40-year-old engineer, Jack, we'd only have 35 years together. I'd rather have 45 years with a husband, rather than only have 35 or 40 years.
Sadie: Well, I'll let you know if I come up with any ideas.
* * *
More time passes, and Jodi has fewer and fewer dates. Once a happy girl, she cries more.
Meanwhile, Jack isn't very happy himself. For his entire adult life, he's longed to be a husband and father, but he was also in a geographically undesirable place, and he was a ba'al tshuva, not able to network to find a nice girl until he was already in his 30s.
* * *
2006: Jodi has hit the big 30, and all her classmates from BY-St. Louis are mommies, some many times over. Jodi has relocated to New Jersey, but she finds that many boys refuse to travel from New York to meet her.
One evening, while in New York, she again visits Sadie in Brooklyn.
Jodi: I live in Fair Lawn now.
Sadie: Well, that's better than Saint Louis.
Jodi: I was wondering if you have any boys for me?
Sadie: Well, let's see. It helps that you're closer to New York, but it's still a problem because there just aren't that many tall boys out there.
Jodi: (Her lower lip trembles, and tears well up in her eyes.)
Sadie: Let's see if we've explored all of our alternatives here. (She reviews her sheet on Jodi.) I had wanted to introduce you to a doctor who was ten years older than you, but he's married now. I made that match two years ago; he married a very rich girl, and they gave me a Mercedes. The only one I see for you is Jack, he's an engineer, tall, slender, handsome, a full head of hair.
Jodi: How old is he?
Sadie: He's 45.
Jodi: I can't go out with someone that old. That's 15 years older than me!
Sadie: Help me out here. What's your concern?
Jodi: See, men are going to die at age 75, and if I could find a boy who's 35, then we'd have 40 years together. However, if I marry this 45-year-old engineer, Jack, we'd only have 30 years together.
Sadie: Now, let me get this straight. Would you be satisfied if you could have 40 years with a husband?
Jodi: Oh, yes. I would be so grateful to you if you could introduce me to a man, and I could have 40 years with him.
Sadie: Well, I offered you such a man, and you rejected him!
Jodi: (Confused). When?
Sadie: Ten years ago, when I suggested that you meet Jack, and you said that you weren't interested, because you'd only have 40 years with him.
Jodi: (Crying.) I just don't know what to do.
Sadie: Why don't you stay with me tonight, and tomorrow you can meet Jack for lunch?
Jodi: I . . . just . . . can't. (Rising.)
Saide: Oh, Jodi. It's just a lunch. Just stay the night, and give it a try tomorrow.
Jodi: Thank you, but I just can't.
* * *
She drives away from Brooklyn. Pulling onto the New Jersey Turnpike around 10:00 p.m., Jodi's car is bathed my a strange light from above. Her car's electrical system goes completely dead, and the engine dies. Jodi pulls over to the side of the road, and steps out of the car, looking up at the strange light…
* * *
The next morning, a farmer in Iowa, who had experienced a restless night, with strange lights playing through his bedroom window, rises with dawn and goes to check on his herd of cattle. He is shocked to discover a patch of grass, burned in a perfect circle, along with three dead cows and the body of a very tall dark haired woman. The authorities are called, and determine from liver temperature that the woman died around 2 a.m. An autopsy on her and necropsy on the cows are unable to determine a cause of death, though the pathologists note that the cows and woman are all missing their ovaries, which have been removed through perfectly round holes, perhaps made with a laser, though without leaving any burn marks.
The woman is later identified as Jodi Cohen, of Fair Lawn, New Jersey, whose car is found abandoned, in perfect working order, beside the New Jersey Turnpike. Authorities are unable to explain how Jodi traveled or was brought more than 1,000 miles in a few hours, or explain the other anomalies discovered in Iowa, such as the high radiation discovered at the scene.
* * *
Around the time Jodi's body is discovered, an elderly lion, too weak to chase zebra, is prowling the plains of Africa. He is pleased to discover the body of a diminutive man. He feasts on the human, not noticing that some of the man's reproductive organs are missing.
PART THREE:
2007: Jack Schwartz finally marries. It pains him that he had to wait so long to find a girl, but he finally finds a good one, and they are able to have two children. Alas, neither of them will be Moshiach, but they are still fine children, and in time, they make Jack and his wife grandparents.
* * *
2032: Dropping out of hyperdrive, the spacecraft quickly settles into orbit around the planet OKJIASJHF, where the aliens are establishing a vacation resort and a zoo featuring creatures from around the galaxy. They begin thawing out millions of blastospheres, which will be implanted into artificial wombs. Dozens of human children will be born, and will be taught to speak French, considered by the aliens to be the dominant language of Earth.
One of these humans, a short dark girl named Giselle, is a daughter of Jodi and a G(click)xau, a 4'-3" San bushman whose sperm was harvested from south Africa. If there were a rabbi on OKJIASJHF, he would ponder whether Giselle were Jewish, as a Jewish woman had contributed the egg that became Giselle, or if she is were not Jewish, because she had not been born from a Jewish womb. However, there is no rabbi within a thousand light years of OKJIASJHF.
As they grow to adulthood, the children will be exposed to terabytes of data the aliens brought from Earth, and allowed to choose an Earth religion for themselves. Giselle will choose to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
* * *
2058: Jack Schwartz, age 97, witnesses a purse snatching. He chases after the thief, and is gaining on him, when he is struck and killed by a car. Thousands of people attend his levaya.
- FINIS -
© 2007
