Whats appropriate? What does one say? Nothing can make it better after all..

This topic must have been posted over a dozen times.

Rule #1- Acknowledge the mourner's loss. Don't just talk about the weather.

1. "I don't know what to say, just know I love you."
2. "My thoughts and prayers are with you."
3. "If you need anything, let me know."
4. "You were a phenomenal daughter/son/wife/husband/mother/father."
5. "I'm here to listen if you just need to talk." (then just hold their hand and listen)

Really, in my experience people seem to AVOID addressing that directly unless they knew the person and want to tell a personal story or something... Otherwise they're just there for the person unless you are REALLY close with them.

I can't imagine going to a shiva and telling the person how sorry I feel for them, or even worse trying to be menachem them with hollow slogans like "well at least he didn't suffer, or at least he lived to see his great grandkids" etc...

shiva calls are hard,i hate going cuz its so akward - like u just sit down and wait for some1 to say something - even though my name is menachem im not so good at being menachem at shiva calls(bad joke)try to make some convo to help them take their minds off of it

You don't have to say anything at all. First of all, you have to wait for the avel to speak, so you just wait to see what they say and then take their cue. If they don't say anything, you don't say anything.

Bad idea.

Right. They are focusing on their loss. It is not your place to minimize/alleviate/intensify/etc. it.

Your job is to go. Just showing up at a shiva shows that you care, no words necessary.

If you want to go above and beyond, bring some food.

DONT say "I know how you feel", because you dont.