My mother was telling me her wedding gift dilemma and we decided to make a h.com thread to help decide what to do....

My parents are at that stage where their friends are starting to make weddings. One of my mother's friends is making a wedding soon, and my mother doesnt know what level gift she should give to the couple. (I'll call the friend Chani). Keep in mind that at this stage there is a lot of reciprocity- if your friend gave $100 check to your kid, when their kid gets married, you feel obligated to give the same.

When my parents married of daughter #1, Chani made a open house melava malka sheva brachos for the couple. Chani didnt give the couple a wedding present, but thats understandable because she made a sheva brachos instead. When my parents married of daughter #2, Chani was out of town then, but her husband came to the wedding. They didn't give a wedding present.
When Chani's kid got engaged my mother helped co-ordinate an engagement gift. She also is participating in the "hosted by the parents friends " sheva brachos, but isnt hosting it all by herself. ALSO, due to conflicts, my parents can not attend the entire wedding- they will come just for the chuppa or dancing.

What price point gift should my parents give to Chani's kid?
Level 1- Gift they normally give when attending a wedding meal (Logic- they are good friends, so give a nice gift)
Level 2- Gift they normally give when attending just the chuppa (Logic- They are only going to the chuppa)
Level 3- Dont give anything (Logic- participating in an engagement gift and helping with a sheva brachos is enough in this case)

Go with the standard for a good friend's kid, $360 or whatever was given by people in their circle at previous weddings. If this is a friendship you care about at all, don't make issues for yourself by attempting to make a cheshbon of the relative worth of previous monetary gifts and/or personal services rendered.

Not #3 - two wrongs don't necessarily make a right (whether or not they were obligated in gift or not, I feel if one attends a simcha a gift should be given)
#1 or #2 tough toss-up. I think either would be acceptable.


$360?!?! Is that standard? We didn't get that from any of my parent's good friends (even the rich ones)

Yeah. $360? My parents need new friends.

I think Level 3 is appropriate.

Does option 3 mean they are splitting the cost of the sheva brachos X number of ways?

If she is paying for 1/5 or so of the shevah brachos, I'd say option 3.

Something between 1 and 2: if they're just going to give a check (recommended) then take the average of the two amounts (or even closer to 2).

Best option yet

They don't get any credit for co-hosting sheva brachos?

not towards a gift - that goes towards having to host a 7b for n's mother iy"h for the next chasunah.

Not following you here. Maybe less abbreviating.

I have always been under the impression that hosting a sheva brachos was the gift to the married couple. It can be more expensive than the standard wedding check and it is certainly more work than writing a check.

not really. unfortunately, it's not recognized in many circles what people go through to put together a sheva brachos. i.e., the person who spent $100 on paper goods isn't really going to get a thank-you note if the meal was prepared and hosted in someone else's home. this is why it's better to split it between several people so that the cost isn't sitting on one family's shoulders.

I am sorry I should have been more clear.
I am staying that the Nechama's mother will not be getting credit towards a gift by making Sheva Brachos. Nechama's mother is 'obligated' to give a gift for the bridal couple. The 'credit' that she will get for making Sheva Brachos for her friends' children is that G-d willing when Nechama's mother makes a wedding for a child The parents of the current bridal couple will make a sheva brachos for Nechama's sister/brother in return.

Look, if some people have their own weird things going on or some friends in a neighborhood have their own set of rules, then fine. However, under normal circumstances, sheva brachos is a gift to the married couple. If someone sponsors or hosts sheva brachos they are doing so for the benefit of the newly married couple (hey, maybe someone should ask them if they even want these people to make them a sheva brachos), not the parents. That's it. End of story. Their gift is the money, time, and effort that went into making the sheva brachos. If the couple or their parents don't recognize that then F-them.

I think it's a generational thing. I would do like you suggest. My mother and friends would do what I mentioned in my post. Since it is Nechama's mother and not Nechama we are talking about, I used my mothers generation for what to do.

I find it very disturbing that many of you would expect a gift in a addition to the gift of sheva brachos.

I did NOT say what I would expect to received. I said what I expect to give. I don't expect anything.

yeah, so I don't think $360 is such a ridiculous amount if we're talking about the best friends of your parents.

In general we give about 250 UKP for nieces and nephews. That's about $500. For friends' kids whose weddings we attend (dinner, not just chuppah) we give approx 100 UKP ($200). If we don't go to the dinner but just chuppah, we give gifts or money to the value of about $100 (50 UKP). So if N's mom is not going to the dinner I would say give a gift of about $100. The sheva broches is, IMHO, totally separate. We are making sheva broches for my niece in about 2 weeks' time, and still gave her 250 UKP gift.

Of course it all depends on what you can afford.

I wanted to follow up and tell everyone how much my mother enjoyed reading this thread. She got a real kick out of how "they all argue back and forth with each other."

IMO to spendmoney like Lyric is over the top.