Here's a good one.

On the phone you ask the SDJ if they are free a certain night and s/he says no because s/he is already dating someone else that night, unless you want to go out after that date or you could go out the next night.

What do you do?

Ask if you can double date with you bringing your girlfriend.

Thank them for their honesty and end it.

is it a first date? cause i remember some h.commers were OK with dating a few people at teh same time, so according to them it might not be a big deal. i wouldn't go for it.

For you it is.

If the girl is a keeper, then either go out after that date or go out the next night.
Else, say "Well, I have a better idea - why don't the three of us just all go out together?" and then before she can respond, hang up.

Ahh, but as it's a first date you don't know yet if she's a keeper. (If we are talking about the SDJ being the gal of course.)

Well if you have to guess, from the fact that she dates more than one boy at a time, you might reason that she is not too much of a hott item, otherwise she wouldn't feel pressured to cut corners like that. That being the case, using the brash line and hanging up may be the best course of action. Of course, word may get back to the shadchan and tarnish your image, but that's your call. Some girls go for the bad-boy thing anyway, or so I've heard.

I see.

Follow-up question.

If your SDJ does this what does your impression of them become? Would you think h/she is smart? Dumb? Honest? Admirable? Disloyal? Uncool? Insulting?

It is certainly not a tactful thing to say. I'm also not a fan of dating more than one person at a time, so it would give me a negative impression of her personality.

(Possibly without the thanking part, though)

My impression is that they are lacking a bit in the emotional intelligence department, or are desperate to get married.

I do know some very bright people who dated multiple people at once. Doesn't change my view, though. There are some shortcuts you just can't take. You can't more than one someone your undivided attention at once.

Also, where does it stop? Maybe it's also okay for her to be married to more than one person at the same time?

Dating two people at once in one thing. (Whether it is right or wrong.) Telling the other person you are dating another person is quite another.

It's not very tactful, but on the other hand it is rather honest.

ditto. giving some vague excuse about the night in question is preferable.
dating or at least "talking to" multiple people is not uncommon at all from what I've seen

Wouldn't matter if it's a first date. If anything, it makes it that much easier to end it. I don't date someone dating someone else.



My impression of them is that they are not someone I'm interested in dating.

Okay. Follow up to that. Interested in dating EVER? Or would you say come back to me when you are done dating other people?

My gut reaction is that it would be ever. However, if I were in a slow spell and the name came up again, I might consider it. However, I would be clear that the reason I ended it before is that I'm not comfortable with dating 2 at once so only dating me would be a condition.

My first thought is that she's missing some tact and social norms. But some people are just extremely, brutally honest about everything and if you're the type of guy who likes that, she might be a great try.

But honestly and the expense of what? Isn't a bit insulting to be told she not focused exclusively on you?

Why? If its before the first date why is it insulting?

It's insensitive.

Again I'm not talking about the dating two people at the same time part. I'm talking about the telling the other person you are dating another person at the same time part.

I agree. I think they should have kept that part quiet and made up some excuse. It does show some sort of missing social tact.

Thank you all for your opinions. I won't be going out with her - probably ever. That is if this wasn't theoretical which of course it is.

Question: Would it be rude of me to call her tomorrow during her date - I'm assuming she's so socially inept and brutally honest that she would not turn her phone to silent and would explain to the boy who is calling... if this weren't theoretical of course.

sure, the other guy should know about her lack of social graces. you would be doing him a toiva!

I would have MUCH more respect for her than someone who does it behind my back...
I wouldn't go out with her though unless she promised not to date anyone else while she was dating me.

If I caught her doing it behind my back she would be dumped like yesterdays trash...

Ruthie you're a smart lady!

thanks

Well duh! But I think it's worse to tell the guy. Hashem didn't tell Avraham what Sarah really said.

I agree that she's dumb for telling you, and she lacks sensitivity, but you shouldn't be insulted. There's nothing personal against you that she's doing right now.

I agree with KR, I'd have a lot more respect for her if she did it behind my back.

No. That's what I said, not KR.




And there is nothing personal with me not dating someone that is dumb and socially inept.

You're right, I missed a couple of words in his post.



I agree. I was just answering your question of 'Isn't a bit insulting to be told she not focused exclusively on you?' I don't think it's insulting, and I explained why in the previous post.

I'm thinking she gets points for being honest. If you're going to do it (I think you shouldn't but that's a different story), then don't be ashamed and cover it up. It's either acceptable or it's not. Why do it but feel you need to hide it?



Yes, rude. Rise above it and be the better (theoretical) person.



Exactly. Very much what I've been saying.

Fine.

(I still think ruthie's smarter...)

You may think she's smarter but you're following my advice. . .

I'll save the 51 agurot.

just thinking out loud: could it be that she wanted to show how popular she is?



agree

Fine. I won't call her. I have a seder then anyway.

But the more I think about it I think any guy would end it. She really doesn't give the guy much of a choice. That's why you don't tell! If the guy now knows and does nothing he is basically saying - yes, I know I'm worth nothing and feel free to keep stepping all over me why don't you?

It's the same as the beginning of the call when she said "Hi, who is this? Who are you? Who?" Step. Step. Step. Made fun of my Hebrew - step, step. And then that bombshell... the young woman was on a roll...

...So for the record I DON"T think it would be rude in the slightest to call her during the date. If she is too stupid and too socially bankrupt to turn her cell phone to silent during the date and too brutally honest to tell the guy she is with who's calling that's my fault? And besides - she probably purposely leaves it on - so she could step all over this guy's confidence as well...

wow, i give you credit for getting to the setting up the date point

Any chance that it was a misunderstanding?

Another topic that makes me realize how the UK and USA are not different countries or even continents, they are different PLANETS.

This would NEVER happen here in the UK. You date one person at a time. You don't accept other suggestions until the SDJ has been ruled out.

But as it has happened Pinchas, I would say to you, however smart ruthie may be i don't think it's smart to play this girl at her own game and call her in the middle of her date just because she's inept enough to tell you about it. It would only demean you. Rise above it and move on.

They certainly are.

although i don't know a thing about the UK, i think it's about the circles more than the countries. i can't imagine it happening in chassidishe or yeshivishe circles either.

Good to know. So next time I'm redt to a guy who wants me to move to England, I should say that England is a different planet? But then again, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, so I'd be moving to a different planet in any case...


You can't imagine what happening? A girl being socially inept or a girl dating two guys at once? If you're talking about the latter, it does happen in yeshivish circles. [If you're talking about the former, it probably also happens in yeshivish circles. ]

That may very well be, but this happened in Israel, remember? (Theoretically if it would happen I mean.)



Don't worry. I didn't call her. I don't want anything to do with her. I have indeed moved on. No big deal. Will be interesting to see if she got the message from the matchmaker or if she will end up calling me today to find out what's going on.

If she DOES call, please forward her call to ME...