Let's say you were interested in your best friends' brother, and he in you, but your friend is completely against it and even says she cannot and will not support you? Would you still go out with him, or would you stop? You and she both said some hurtful things, including that if it went on, the friendship would probably not be the same. This has taken a toll on your friendship, obviously, but after a month or so, things start going back to normal, you two have apologized, and each have admitted their wrongdoing. Your friend has even admitted she had no right to be angry that you were interested and you both hope to put it in the past and move on. However, you are still interested, as is he. Do you approach your friend again and ask her that now she's had a month or so to process and think about the whole thing, or do you let it go for good? Do you sneak around? What would you do? How would you handle it?

I'd feel really uncomfertable if one of my friends was interested in my brother. I know too much about both of them that it would be really akward for me.

What if you didn't live at home anymore? Or even in the same state? And what if your friend never crossed the two of you (as in hav you hang out together)?

Also, I'm asking as if you were the friend who was interested, not the sibling. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

I've heard of two happy marriages where the wife was best friends with the husband's sister (and the sister was thrilled for them both.) I would wonder, however if the sister were really against if she might not know something but be reluctant to say it outright. For instance, suppose she knew some secret about her brother and wanted to spare her friend. If she can scare her away by opposing the match without any explanation,she can achieve her purpose and spare her brother's privacy at the same time.

when she apologized, did she mention anything about "being silly" or something, alluding to the fact that she overreacted or she was just sorry those words came out but she still means it?

(glad to see you back, Aviva, we missed you! )

why would a good friend be opposed to it?

Go out, she'll get over it....

And either way, if it works and you get married she will have to get used to it, and if it doesn't and you break up I'm sure she will forgive and forget...

Why is she against it?

I've known this friend for 10 years. We've been best friends for that long, so I've known her brother for about as long as well as her family. AFAIK, there's no secret that she's not telling me, and she's not the type to hide something that could affect a relationship.



(Thanks! )

She did say that she realized that she had no right to be angry, but she does feel like it wouldn't work. She hasn't explained why, yet. She says she wants me (us) to be happy, but she doesn't see it working out.

I can understand why she would be opposed to it, but at the same time, I would hope she'd know both of us well enough to know that we wouldn't go into something like this lightly.



I would do that, but like I said, I've known her 10 years, and she's one of my best friends. My problem is, do I really want to jeopardize my friendship with her to see where, if, this thing with her brother goes?



She doesn't see it working out.

Does she stick her nose into your entire dating life or just when it has to do with her brother?

It's none of her business and she's not the person who gets to decide if you do or don't date her brother. If I was in a similar situation, I would respectfully and firmly tell my friend that while I value their opinion and friendship, this is an area of my life over which I have autonomy and while it may be my friend is right and that this relationship will not work out (and if that is the case, I would hope my friend would support me when it doesn't), under no circumstances does my friend get to decide who I do or do not date.

I think she should be asked WHY she feels it wouldn't work out, and if you get nothing more than a vague answer, you should tell her that you value her friendship but feel that her brother may be a good match for you and you'd like to explore the possibility. Reassure her that even if it doesn't work out with Bro, you two will still be friends and that you won't be upset with her.

Whether you date him or not is a determination you will have to make, not her, and she needs to understand this. It could also brew a lot of resentment if you really feel that you and Bro have potential and she stopped it from developing into anything or even allowing you to explore that potential. I can't imagine why it would hurt if you two went out on a few formal dates to see if you're compatible. If she balks at even that, you might want to reexamine whose best interests she has at heart.

i'm sorry, but this is not the reason to be against it. she said her opinion, great. i hear about her not supporting you if she thinks it's a bad match (although she is definitely not looking at it as your friend; guess you can't expect her to be your confidante here, which i can understand from her perspective), but not seeing it working out can't end your friendship and get her so frustrated...

I like this advice.

Like Arizona, I know a case where it worked out.

Do you really want to risk remaining single because of your friend's selfish behavior???

That is basically what I told her. She said that if she thought that this would work out and that we would do well together, she would wholeheartedly support us. However, she don't think it will work, and thinks it's a bad idea to get into a relationship in the first place. She said she was not comfortable with it, and thinks I should looking for someone different (personality, not because of who he is). To which I said to her, "I can see how you would be be upset and shocked, but to be angry that I crossed a line, I honestly cannot see. Yes, he is your brother, but he is also a person and a man, as I’m sure you’re aware. He also happens to be a very nice, sweet guy...Maybe I was wrong for going into it first without asking you if you would be okay with it. If I was wrong for not doing so, I apologize. However, at the same time, I felt that it was really none of your business, other than the fact that he is your brother, but that’s where I felt, and still feel, it ends. He’s your brother and I’m your friend, but that’s it." This went over a few emails, in which we both apologized, and she said that she really didn't have the right to be angry, but that she was upset and shocked. She did later say though that "I really just want you to be happy, because you're my friend and I care about you." And that's basically where we've left off. We're slowly trying to mend whatever was broken. Which leads me back to my original question, if she still objects to it, do I risk one of the most important friendships and date him, or let it go?

(Sorry for the long shpiel.)

Asked, and evaded...for now. I told her that too--that if I ended it because of how she felt, that I could not promise I wouldn't resent her.



That's my feelings too. I can understand where she's coming from, to a point, but still....



Good. Thank you.



No, I don't. And as of now, I'm not single. We are dating, she just doesn't exactly know....

i still don't get why she would still be upset. shocked i hear. did you ask her about that part?

do you have nay contact with him? can you say something to him (like "i don't know how your sister will take it if we started dating"), so that HE could probe the grounds with his sister? maybe if she sees he is interested in you, she'll be "nicer"

ETA: just saw your post about already dating him.

Talking to her first would have solved a lot of this! Going behind her back probably is/was the worst thing to do in this situation. Yes, she doesn't get control over who you date, but some heads-up would have gone a long way to pave the road....

In that case you're cruisin' for a bruisin'.
You better hope she doesn't find out until after you are either engaged or break up...

OK, apparently, I wasn't clear. I talked to her first, got a 'no' (to sum it up), but he and I went out a few times anyway. Now I'm wondering how to handle it/what to do. She had a heads up.

To me this situation really depends on just how interested you are in this guy. If you're very interested then it may indeed be worth sneaking around for a while until you know how things are going, as you tried being honest and she responded very poorly to that. You and her brother are both adults and you have a right to make your own decisions and be happy. I can understand why she might find this uncomfortable, but really...if she cares about both of you, she needs to find a way to get over this.

On the other hand, if you're not that into him, it might not be worth jeopardizing your relationship with your best friend over him. I was in a somewhat similar situation last year when I spent some time with one of my best friend's older brothers. It was very clear that we were both interested in each other but I sensed that my friend would not be at all supportive of us dating, so I made a decision not to pursue things with him, as I wasn't really interested enough in him to justify possibly ruining our friendship. That said, had I thought he was worth it, I wouldn't have let my friend stand in our way.

Good luck.

You make a good point, Rachel. At this time, we're both really interested in each other, but I don't want to sneak around (even if my friend is in another state). I want to be honest with her. I feel that this can go somewhere. But if my friend still support it...I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait until she answers me and see what she says.

Thanks.

Wow. Very tough situation. There's no clear-cut good answer for this, but I wish you the best of luck. [I'm ________ for you! Refer to the Rooting thread. ]

Lol. Thanks!

(I suggested 'cheering,' so I'm going with that. )

Yeah, I definitely understand not wanting to sneak around, although it sounds like that's kind of what you're already doing. I meant only short-term though, so that you and he would have enough time on your own to figure out if there was real potential (since you already gave her a heads up about dating him and she was unsupportive).

The other thing to look out for is that brothers often confide in their sisters about the women they are dating and look for dating advice from them (my older brother certainly does from me and my sisters). So if you're totally honest with her and she continues to be against the two of you dating, you need to watch out for her potentially sabotaging your relationship with him when they speak. Hopefully she isn't the kind of person who would do that, but you never know, so it's definitely something to consider. On the other hand if your relationship is on more solid footing by the time you tell her, there won't be much she can do about it.

I really don't understand the problem. The friend sounds like a baby. What's the worst that can happen, you go out and it doesn't work out? So what?

does he know about his sister's attitude?

good luck!

I'd do it. Too bad my friends either don't have brothers available or they are not in the least compatible.

I do realize that this would most likely place jeopardize my relationship with my hypothetical friend.

Agreed.



Makes sense. It sounds like you're saying the appropriate things. It also sounds like she is trying to help but doesn't realize that you need to make your own decision on this one.



I think you should clear the air. Especially if you see this heading towards an engagement. It would be unfair to call up your best friend to invite her to your vort (or worse, have her mother call her). Maybe she's afraid that you won't confide in her like you used to since it would be about her brother?

For the life of me, I just can not understand why a person would be upet if their friend dated their sibling. Is this a "girl thing" which I will never understand.

That's what I'm wondering/saying.



He does. I told him. The thing is though, they're not the type of siblings who share things or talk to another, so she wouldn't tell him how she felt, and he wouldn't tell her anything either.



Exactly. Would it be worth jeopardizing the friendship?



She does realize it's my decision; she's just telling me how she feels/felt. I'm waiting to hear back how she would feel now. I'm basing off of a month ago.



I'm trying to clear the air with her. But we're doing it over email, and with both of us in school, it can take awhile to get an answer. As far as an engagement, it's a little early. I do see it heading somewhere, though. And I would never call her at the last minute to tell her something like that. Like I said, she's one of my best friends; I tell her everything.



Probably. Although other girls/women on the board here seem to be saying they wouldn't have a problem....



So you chose your friendship over the guy, which is how I originally felt. Now, however, I'm not sure. I don't want to lose either one, yet I feel that might happen.

It's easy for people to talk until they're in that situation. If this is your best friend for 10 years, I doubt she's such an evil terrible person. Emotions and friendships and family relationships are complex, and I don't think anyone can blame her without hearing her side and understanding the full picture...which no one can.


Except you won't, because you'll be her sister-in-law. So even if it'll be cool for a while, she'll have to come around because you'll be her sister-in-law. However, there's a difference between a sister-in-law and a best friend...Hopefully she'll come around. Best friends are too valuable to lose.

if she is a "normal" person (which i assume she is, being that she's been your best friend for 10 years), i seriously doubt she'll hold a grudge if you two get engaged and get married. she might be upset for some time that you ignored her "advice", but i'm sure, she'll get over it. i honestly can't imagine someone who is a best friend for a decade, drop this friendship just like that, espcially if sees you and her brother are happy.

She is normal. And I'm not blaming her. As I said, I can see where she's coming from, to a point though. Which is why I'm trying to get more than a "I don't think it will work" answer.



Jumping way ahead of me here. I don't know if this will lead to marriage. It's just the beginning. But I do hope, that no matter what happens in the future, she'll come to accept it and be happy.



Read above comment.

I know you're not blaming her, but it seems other people are.

I don't think they're blaming her. I think they're saying that her reaction was out of line.

Yes. That pretty much sums it up.

If she has a valid reason, she should tell you and let you make your own decision. If she doesn't, her reaction is out of line and she should let you make your own decision.

Right. I agree. And so far, she hasn't given a valid reason. So I'm waiting.


(Btw, what is with the quotes?)

Yeah, I should have pruned them back.

Not you, I meant in general. What's with the quote within a quote within a quote? It didn't used to do that....