So this past Shabbos I was reading this book and it includes a number of shidduch stories; shidduchim that were made or broken based on "divine intervention."

So, in one story, Reuven's daughter is suggested for Shimon's son. Shimon asks his friend Levi if he knows Reuven. Now, Reuven happens to be Levi's neighbor and he knows him well, but Levi inexplicably draws a blank and can't think of how he knows Reuven. Later on, Levi realizes that not only does he know Reuven, he also knows that the family is quite dysfunctional (because he's a neighbor and hears the yelling and noise.) So he tries to call Shimon, because, quote, "Shimon's son did not deserve to fall in with such an irascible family," and he wanted to let him know that "unfortunately, he knew that the family had problems and he would have to advise them to seek another match." But he can't reach him/is delayed/forgets about it. A couple of weeks later Bas Reuven indeed gets engaged to Ben Shimon, and Levi feels like he allowed a catastrophe to happen.

A few months after the wedding, Shimon approaches Levi, and tells him what a wonderful shidduch his son made, and while he found out about the family's problems, the couple is so perfectly suited for each other that it really doesn't matter. He concludes, "You were so wise to have suddenly forgotten that you knew Reuven."


What conclusion(s) do you draw from the story? Is the moral that it is inappropriate to share private details about a family because you could be preventing a wonderful shidduch? Is this information at all relevant? Or is it normally appropriate, but in this case Hashem directly intervened to prevent Levi from saying anything so the shidduch should go through? Also, why would Levi "advise them to seek another match"? Is that the job of a reference, to advise whether or not the match is appropriate? What about the concept that "Shimon's son did not deserve to fall in with such a family"? Is the family that you "fall in with" something that depends on your merits--if you're a wonderful person, you get someone from a picture-perfect family, but if you're not so deserving, you fall in with a dysfunctional one?

That people need to be more up-to-date on hilchos lashon hara in regards to shidduchim and this includes me.

Disgusting. Why should this guy pay the price because of his family???
If he is a normal well adjusted guy, who cares what goes on in his house?

This guy must have some major zechusim because G-d saved him from doing a VERY serious aveira.....

I got that book as a gift and several of the stories disturbed me.

In this particular case, I think the underlying assumption was that a child growing up in such a family would have issues (and probably recreate a similar home environment as an adult). I guess my primary problem is that I don't buy the assumption. That being said, it's no worse/far-fetched than the other commonly held assumptions going on in the shidduch world.

A few that truly upset me:

- Someone who's parents don't use a white tablecloth won't be able to create a proper shabbos environment.

- Someone who didn't grow up keeping kosher hasn't truly mastered the art of keeping a kosher kitchen.

- Someone who's Hebrew isn't flowing (and in the same accent as my family's) couldn't build a home in which I would be comfortable.

So, since those are treated as givens (I personally know people who have had SDJs back out for those reasons), why not add "Someone who grew up in a chaotic home will be unable to create a peaceful one as an adult."?

His assumption is based on "yelling and noise"??
That's ridiculous. This whole story sounds ridiculous and made up.