Do you find that the examples given for shalom bayis compromises are weighted against one gender? If so, which gender and why do you think that is?

I think that a lot is expected of the woman in terms of maintaining the home and shalom bayis. So, whenever she requires something from him, he is the one who's bending from the baseline of "the wife is the mainstay of the home and the entire responsibility of the home and maintenance of marital harmony is upon her." Also any duties that require the husband to be away from home (work, shul, learning etc.) are seen as obligations upon him, so anytime the wife wants him to be home he is compromising on those things.

The first part of your theory makes no sense.

I think most of them have the man capitulating to the woman, for no other reason than it is assumed that the woman is a demanding nag and the man will catch hell eventually if he doesn't let her have her way in many things.

which part?

If someone believes that the wife's primary role in life is to make her husband happy, then anything that she asks/demands/requires of him is a compromise, for him. (Provided you believe that.)

What she said... And unfortunately that assumption is often true


Even I don't believe that...

You haven't read enough kallah books.

Based on how you responded to the question, should we assume that's how you view many/some/most mens view of women?

Speak to my ex...

Perhaps in the examples commonly cited on this board (man not going to minyan to help wife), but I can think of many things a wife might agree to do which could be irritating to someone not initially inclined. For example, a woman who doesn't cover her hair, but the husband wants her to. They agree she will do it in shul and at his parent's house. On one hand, the man is making a compromise b/c his wife is not covering her hair all the time. On the other hand, she is making a big compromise by agreeing to have something on her head when she would very often prefer not to.

I think if someone complains "why is it the man that always has to compromise?" then there's a good chance that that's their view of women. I also think a lot of shalom bayis counselors/teachers/books are skewed towards the woman making compromises for the sake of her husband and are generally addressed towards women rather than men. For example, a few years ago I went to a shalom bayis seminar and the question came up, why don't men have these seminars? The answer of the panel was that since women were given binah yeseira this means they are better at maintaining harmony. Since they have the innate ability to do it, they should be the ones to do it rather than the poor man, nebach, who is incapable of seeing beyond his ego.

The real answer is that no self respecting man would sit through such a seminar (unless his wife made him go)...

I figured women were more likely to go to "self-help" seminars in general..

It depends on the issue.
Most men wouldn't have a problem going to leadership or public speaking seminars...

Besides where do the people who give these "shalom bayis" seminars get their material from and what are their sources? Are they bringing down maamaeri chazal and mussar seforim?? Or is it all fluff and hashkafah that can be spun in many ways??? Who says THEY know any more about the subject than I do.Why in the world should I listen to THEM???

I guess that's possible. Does that also mean that women in general are more amenable to making compromises for shalom bayis than men are?

Well I guess your opinion is biased if you buy all that cr@p.

Come again?

I think so. Women are more often the ones that want to sit on the couches and discuss the relationship and how to make it better. Whereas the men hear the words 'discuss' and 'relationship' and they all of a sudden find an emergency to take care of...

I am the king of generalizations and stereotypes, but I don't think any can be made in this case. It depends on the man, it depends on the woman and it depends on how both feel and what they want out of the relationship.

Also the trick is getting the other person to WANT to compromise in order to make you happy and for the relationship to work. A man who feels he is constantly being nagged or forced to give in is much less likely to do this....

Sounds quite sane and reasonable.