Why oh why do people pity you when someone close to you gets engaged? It gets on my nerves, when a friend gets engaged you can't be totally happy for them because you are busy getting, "oh you poor thing, well it will happen for you soon too" or pitying looks, or "oh no are you Ok?"
Even worse, I was dating the same time as my brother, I started before him , he only dated a short while and got engaged while i was dating much longer and am well, not engaged.
The whole family is throwing me worried looks, whispering about me, asking each other, is she ok?
They wouldn't even tell me he got engaged even though everyone else knew (I found out on my own) and I heard them saying things like, "how should we break the news to her," and such. I had to brazen it out and say I know about it! Stop trying to hide it from me!!

So incredibly annoyed right now! I am so happy when people get engaged, i am not happy with everyone else's reactions.
Does this happen to any of you?

Yes. It's their problem, not mine.

No. My friends don't assume I'm interested in getting married in the near future. It's kind of nice to be able to fully take part in others' celebrations without feeling the intense pressure others seem to.

You speak the truth, woman.

Maybe we should (re)discuss having a SN everyone can use when they don’t want anyone to know it’s them. Like imamother.

There must be 100 SN that are only used for 1 topic then forgotten.

mosheshmeal
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I have never been showered with pity, and I don't mind at all when people give me brochos "soon by me".
What irks me is when people ask the stupid question "So when are YOU getting married?" or something of the sort, as if that is at all under my control....

Huh? What are you talking about?

Noone ever said things like 'you poor thing' straight to my face but I'm sure they were thinking it and discussing it behind my back. The same way my married friends will now say 'I feel so bad for Nechama Dina it must be sooo hard' to me now that I am married. I'm guessing because there are so many single girls that do feel bad for themselves when a friend gets engaged, people assume that EVERYONE who's single shares these feelings. It's kind of sad when you think of it, but keep up the good attittude and ignore people that want you to feel non-existant negative feelings!

"Why is the automatic reaction pity?"

My guess is that among a [certain demographic], a woman has absolutely zero worth without being married.

Exactly. "The people who care don't matter, and the people who matter don't care" -- Dr. Seuss

And I was just about to get a pie...

It seems after a certain age single men also have no worth in the Orthodox Jewish community.

I think that is an exaggeration of an idea that is held by some and is an internal feeling. I don't think many people go around thinking that so-and-so is not worth anything b/c she isn't married. However, so people perceive themself to be not worth much. If anything, it is a reason why someone would feel self-pity, but not a reason to be pitied.

I think the reason is because people assume that if you are a certain age and not married then you feel bad about your situation. They would feel bad about themself were they in that situation so they assume you feel bad too.

What age would that be?

Oh gosh I hate the "soon by you's"
Espc from the newly engaged,now smug person, who can so easily say it.



Very true. There was some money left over from a senior graduation trip that was only discovered a year later, the person who was holding the money decided to split it between the now married girls in the class to buy them wedding gifts. Zero of the money went to the single girls, it wasn't even held on to for them for when they might get married.

Ditto. The worst thing is when you feel like you're EXPECTED to feel a certain way and you end up buying into it. You'd be okay if everyone else were okay! Good luck to you.

Of course I feel bad about myself! But I can still be happy for someone else. Its their pity that makes it worse.
Get this, post engagement festivities, I was sitting on the couch staring off into space, actually thinking about school related stuff, when a family member walks by.
"Whats the matter?"
( Me)" Nothing, who said something is the matter?
"Whats your problem? Can't you be happy for your brother? Stop thinking about yourself all the time."
( Me) Thinking to myself I will not even dignify that with an answer.

Or perhaps her friends feel bad that she can't also partake in the wedded bliss that they experience.

Similar to women. Certainly by the 30s. In general, it seems that single people of both genders have no place in the Orthodox community.

The normal reaction by someone who experiences good fortune towards someone else should not be pity. Do we pity others when we score higher on a test, or when we get a promotion at work or when we get all green lights on the way home? Were Jewish singles to be looked at as having value as human beings and were not measured solely by their marital status, we wouldn't be pitying them. We may wish them well, that they too should find their bashert in the right time and without tzuris if that's what they want, but not pity.

I don't feel pity toward others when I consistently do better than them, but I do feel guilty. At least when playing games.

You can't have it both ways. On the other thread you claimed that it does hurt for a younger sister to get married first, but on this thread you think it's silly? I know you aren't talking about a sibling here, but it's the same "sensitivity" - people know that you would be upset if certain people got engaged first, and it's not their fault that they don't know who upsets you and who doesn't.