Im going out with this girl, shes amazing, nice, personable and radiates with goodness. The only issue that is hoding me back is that she is MUCH more spiritual and (although I hate this word) frum than I am. Dont get me wrong I am a frum guy, but I am nowhere near her level and even her views are a lot more extereme then mine. She knows this but dosnt think it is an end all situation. Is this an issue? Can you be married to someone more idealistic and spiritual than you are?
Thanx.

Does this truly bother you?
What kind of things do you see as 'issues'?

It definitely CAN be an issue, but does not have to necessarily be. Can you give a better idea of how religious each of you is?

what does it mean "she is more frum than you are"? examples, please.

i don't think one spouse being more "idealistic and spiritual" (what does it mean anyway?) is a big deal (being that both of you believe the same thing anyway - it's not like one believes in G-d and the other one is an atheist).

if it doesn't bother her, i guess, it's a good sign.

Scarily, I was just wondering the same thing.

You need to distinguish between "more frum" and "more spiritual/idealistic." More frum means that she has wants to do things differently than you do. Being more spiritual/idealistic are just different personality traits. I think the former is more difficult to deal with than the latter, but neither is insurmountable. (At least, that's what I'm hoping.)

It can work, provided you won't feel stifled by her "frummer" way of life...

maybe you ARE his date?

she will never watch TV or movies. She speaks to her rabbi on all issues in her life. Listens to torah tapes all the time.
Always on spiritualy.
Me not nearly as much.
I also feel in terms of her views on yiddishkeit a little bit more naive and simplistic and usualy when that is the case you are much more extreme.
For Instance: I slipped on ice today= Maybe Hashem is punishing me for speaking Loshon Horah.
I met a frien who Ihavnt seen in a while who I was thinking about= Haskacha Pratis

So let me get this straight: She's hott, you're well-to-do and probably not too shabby-looking yourself....what's not to like?

You think Im knitpicking?

If she accepts you as you are, and you can accept her the way she is, I'd advise you to continue.

If she wants to change you in a way that you don't want (for example, to promise to never watch t.v. or a movie) or if you feel tempted to change her, it's probably not shayach.

No, I just think that there's more to the picture than you have shared with us, and that without the full context it's impossible to accurately read the situation.

Oh, so you ARE considering my "offer" after all

let's get down to business: would she be ok with having a tv in the house for you to watch or would you be ok with not having it and not going to the movies?

would that drive you crazy once you are married?

don't see the problem.

imo, this attitude is not very healthy - one can go nuts thinking like that.

i like to think that way, too. i also like to think that Hashem knows what he is doing in the big picture, even if we ourselves are responsible for our actions.

Sounds like good advice.

Very true. Ultimatly, it does bother me to some extent, i "feel" less religious, with her. She says her brachos with Kavanah, she does not speak Loshon Horah, she constantly conscerned about if she is doing things Toradik. I sit there in awe, but feel like wow im so not on this level, i dont deserve this.
I also think, can I live with this the rest of my life such intensity?, i sure as heck am not as intense.
This is pretty much my main issue, otherwise I think she has the finest qualities I have met in another person.

That's for her to decide, not you. It sounds as though you've been open and she knows that you watch t.v., etc., so it's not as though you've misled her.

Would you like your children to have someone like that as their mother?

Does she respect you?

Yes.

Are you dating Marge Simpson?

Don't flatter yourself.

She's married, therefore I hope he's not dating Marge-- maybe one of her sisters.

Someone has to

Yes.

Case Closed.

Dude.

It seems that you aren't worried as much as her frumkeit, as much as you are her intensity. Still, the fact that you can say 'you are in awe of her' means that you hold highly of her and don't think her intensity is weird or too much. In that case, I think that's a good thing. Many women are more spiritual and intense than their husbands, and they are the ones who set the tones more in the homes, so it's good that it's like that. I think you might feel better if you just bring it up with her, the fact that you are on somewhat different levels spiritually, and how she feels about it. Sometimes when things are out in the open, they don't seem as scary or as much of a problem.

To an extent I agree with what Elana had posted previously. When the time is right, you and the girl you are seeing will have to sit and discuss how you will be living your life. There are discussions and negotiations involved in marriage. Marriage is not about finding someone exactly like you, it is about finding someone who complements you, completes you. You have chisronos and maalos and so does she. It could be that what you are bringing to her table are some things that she is lacking and visa versa. Isn't there a phrase that one should always strive to marry up? if what she brings to your table is fulfilling, do not worry that she davens and says her brochos with more intensity. Her actions regarding that could be what you need to help you grow as a person.

As long as your views are compatible, I don't see why not. If they're not though, get out ASAP.

I think the practical issues have to be somewhat agreed upon (e.g., do we accept that kashrus symbol?) but how each of y'all feels is your own boogey.



I think a big question is do you see this driving you nuts at any point in the future? For instance, are you willing to let her rabbi decide the issues in your life together? Are you going to feel stifled or uncomfortable if you don't ever attain her level of spirituality? Are you going to resent her "naive" views and their power over your home?

If you're cool with it (and she's cool with you the way you are), it could certainly work.

Do you feel absolutely comfortable with yourself when you are with her? Do you feel you can relax and enjoy yourself? You will hopefully spend lots of time with the one you marry and it will be great if you don't have to always feel self-conscious about whether you are perfect enough.

I certainly married someone frummer than I was. But he was tolerant of me and anyway I planned to become more right wing. However I could have never married someone who wanted to clip my wings and stop me doing what I wanted to do (within reason of course). Unless you are willing to give up all the "less frum" parts of you, this is a key issue; will she tolerate them or will she make you change? or somewhere inbetween..eg all my kids grew up with tv at home because that's what I wanted. However none of them have tv in their own houses, although they all do varying tv-like things like watching dvds on computers, or downloading movies to watch, or even watching some streamed tv programmes over the net. If she is saying no to any proposed compromise, could you live like that? THAT is the key question you have to ask yourself.