My latest date seemed to go well, and I followed the advice from several members and tried to be more open and sharing.

Before law school, I researched a murder case in which the codefendants were still in prison, 20 years after the crime, and decided to help one of them, who identified herself as Jewish (though I later learned that only her father was halachically Jewish). This episode was part of the reason I became interested in law. When I told people the story in the past, some would be impressed, but others would opine that the convict should have remained in prison forever and that I was wrong to help her. I think it scared off one or two SDJ's, who might have questioned my judgment. (Maybe it makes more sense now that I'm a lawyer that I would have wanted to help someone in such a case, but it made less sense when I was doing so while an engineer.) So I stopped talking about the case and my involvement, and have since dated a few women for weeks without ever mentioning it. But I decided to tell the latest SDJ, and she was quite impressed. So it's probably a better idea to talk about oneself and risk disagreement, rather than never express an opinion in the hope of attracting a broader audience.

I think that sometimes shadchanim overreact to something they hear, so that suggestions or criticism from a shadchan may not necessarily be coming from the other party to the date. I.e., I tell shadchanim that several times girls decline to continue with me, with the matchmaker giving the reason that I was too quiet. Having heard that, the shadchanim may be overly sensitive to a girl's comment that I was quiet, or they may even ask the girl if I was quiet, and then tell me that I need to be more vocal and open. Thus, it may not necessarily be that a girl complained or was about to break up over my quiet character, but rather the shadchan may have overreacted.

And sometimes the single overreacts to the shadchan as well. The shadchan may be offering positive criticism, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the shidduch is going badly.

In any case, I may not be such a hollow shell at all, and I hope to continue with the latest SDJ.

Sounds great. I agree that it's far better to be yourself and attract the one person who finds you interesting for who you are than to be bland and cater to a wider audience.

May your success continue and may we be hearing great news soon

Is there any way to reduce the involvement of the shadchan in your dating life? Maybe, once they make the suggestion, their job is done. No need to go back to them to give a report or solicit feedback. If the girl wants to give reasons why she's not interested in following up, let her tell you directly.

glad to heat that. good luck!

(your observations about shadchanim make sense to me, so maybe you shouldn't volunteer certain info - like why the girls said "no"?)

Don't follow any "rules" blindly. Hopefully, the more you get acquainted with the person, the more comfortable you will feel opening up. If you know that a good percentage of women don't react well to your story, don't rush into coming clean on the first date. Wait a few dates, until she will know you better for what you are, and will not be as likely to jump to quick conclusions.

In general, women expect you to be opening up a few dates into the game. They start feeling like you aren't interested in them, if you are still very reserved. Many will do the silly thing of dumping you at that point. If you like her, don't be afraid to "get discovered".

Also, a shadchan is not an authority on dating/marriage. A shadchan is a buggy human database of names and a broken phone. Use it to your advantage for whatever it's worth.

Good luck with the current damsel!

I'm glad to hear that things are going well with your SDJ.

I agree. The strong silent type doesn't appeal after a while; every girl wants to know what you are really like. My boys generally had the successful adage of "if they don't like me for who I am, they're not for me anyway."

As to your prison story, I know someone in our community who is a well known askan, and getting Jews out of prison is one of his specialities. Mostly for minor offences like illegal immigration, not murder, but then again I don't know that many Jewish murderers.