I proposed to a guy a few weeks ago that we should start learning after minyan.

He told me then that he wasn't sure and he needed time to think about it. Ever since then when we see each it has been awkward.

This morning, he told me "No", and that he is sorry and he hopes I'm not offended. He said it would interfere with his gym routine.

I don't know how I will ever again muster the courage to ask another guy

How do you handle such rejection? Was it something I said? Was I too forward? How do you ask people to learn with you, and do you feel hurt if they say No?

It sounds like this wasn't personal, he just wasn't that much "into learning."

I think it's commendable that you approached someone to make a kvius in learning. My husband has a chavrusa (who is also my former boss) and they have been learning on and off for about 10 years. Sometimes months go by without learning together, then one of them starts it over again, then it gets called off because of schedule changes, then it starts over...

If you want to learn with someone I think you should first get to know them casually so you have a better sense of their schedule and what type of learning interests they have and if they match yours. It sounds like you kind of put the guy on the spot.

No, it's when you see him learning regularly with another guy after minyan, now that's awkward!!

Can you learn with someone at a local kollel? That's what my husband does and he loves it.

He learns in the local kollel!



He seemed like the kind of guy I would enjoy learning with, so I asked him. It did seem like I put him on the spot, but I don't really have much experience in chatting up guys like this.

Weird. It interferes with his gym schedule? hmmmm....

Is this an issue specifically related to wanting to learn with someone or being rejected in general? Rejection always hurts, but as long as you feel confident in yourself then brush it off.

Setting up a learning schedule is always difficult. The thing is that once you do it it can be hard to stop without being awkward. I could see someone not wanting to get started so he isn't faced in a few weeks with the decision that it wasn't for him and have to face a break-up situation.

Moshi, it's great that you were socially assertive, and the fact that it didn't work out doesn't matter. Don't let someone's negativity scare you from being assertive in the future and doing the best to get what you want. It always feels lousy when you're rejected, but the key to success is to know how to find acceptance in 
yourself, and keep trying.

I like this answer.

For the future, if you are learning at a community Kollel or Beis Medrash of some sort, it might work to have one of the guys who helps 'run the show' approach the potential chavrusa to see if he is up for a new chavrusa. This way you are not putting the guy on the spot.

You're a great guy, and any girl guy should jump at the opportunity to be your partner in life Torah learning.

I'm not learning there, the nearest kollel is almost a half hour away. I just wanted a chavrusa for a half hour after davening at shul.



Thanks Bezalel. It's his loss, right? Thanks for making me feel better

You have the full right to ask back for all the presents that may have been exchanged - jewellery, PlayStations etc.


You're probably way better off without a chavrusa like this.

(Now where's that chavrusa rejection song..?)

http://cdn.libsyn.com/sameachmusicpodcast/...ng-Kunstler.mp3