You make a few comments to your wife on Sunday morning and it becomes obvious she had forgotten it is your birthday (but not admitting she forgot). A few minutes later, while you are in the bathroom, you hear the front door open and close. When you come out of the bathroom she is back and presents you with a selection of candy bars she obviously just bought from the Duane Reade across the street. She pretends she knew it was your birthday and says something lame like "hey, I know how much you like candy" as she hands over 4 chocolate bars.

Would you get mad or would you just let it go for shalom bayis' sake?

Let it go till you forget her's. Then throw it back at her.

Bank it. She now owes you big. Getting mad will just reduce the eventual payback she will feel she is obligated to you.

My husband doesn't care about birthdays so it wouldn't bother him. Reverse the scenario however...... I'd want to kill him. But as melech says, bank it. It works better than an outright assassination. I remember one year when MH was in a really irritable mood on my birthday and when we discussed going out to dinner to celebrate and I asked him to book the table rather than me, as usual, he flew off the handle about how he was too busy. I sulked for about 12 months

That would be my advice as well.....

accuse her of trying to make you fat so that she'll look better than you when you go out together.

The thing is that it's not "out in the open" that she forgot. She wasn't called on it. Remember, she pretended like she knew about the birthday and then went out and bought a (lame) gift to cover up. Unless you call her on it when she gives you the gift, she might think she got away with it and she won't feel like she owes you anything.

But, if you do call her on it then you open yourself up to getting upset and into an argument.

First of all, marriage is all about keeping score. Let's just be clear on that.
Secondly, I realize she pretended she knew, but unless she is incredibly self-deceptive, she knows she forgot even if she is outwardly pretending otherwise. So as long as she knows she owes you, you don't need to admit you know she knows. She knows, and you know. So now she owes you big. Bank it, especially if she's not a niddah. If by the next morning there hasn't been a payback, then you can start making snide and sarcastic passive aggressive remarks.

Marriage is all about making your wife happy. Your needs are inconsequential. Examine your own deeds to try to figure out what you did to make her act the way she did.

Buy some emergency candy bars and hide them somewhere. Then when you forget her birthday give her them. She'll get the message.

What a lovely sentiment to express with respect to one's wife.

Why is chocolate lame? I would enjoy some good chocolate (especially white chocolate)

Yeah, but VLG is a dude.

We don't make a big deal out of birthday gifts for each other. Maybe we go out together, but if it doesn't work out on the birthday itself the date may be pushed off to anywhere from a month to 6 months later. If I see a sefer I know he'll love, I'll buy it, but I don't go roaming the stores to find something. A few chocolate bars or an ice cream would be a perfect gift.

I would be very pissed if my wife bought me a sefer for my birthday. So basically you have an agreement not to make an effort for each other?

Maybe a "nice" box of chocolates. But, if your husband showed up on your birthday with 3 Mr. Goodbars and a Nutrageous like he was the nicest guy in the world, you wouldn't be upset (assuming you didn't have an agreed to laid-back attitude toward birthdays like Jeanette)? It doesn't show much forethought (which there wasn't because she just went to the store while the guy was in the bathroom).

Good thing I crossed it out before my wife could read that post. Now she'll never know.


To each his own.

Hold on to the candy bars until it’s her birthday and then give them to her as her present. Pretend that you just bought them from the store.

You can also say something like, “Everyone loves chocolate!”

Depends on how you define "making an effort for each other." We don't make an effort for birthdays, no. Marriage isn't defined by how you celebrate birthdays.

You are obviously holding back from us because you know it's inappropriate to detail the extent to which you two go to celebrate each other's birthdays since then the rest of us will come to regret our choices of spouses.

I asked mh to make me a list of various gifts that I could get it for birthday, anniversary, random occasion, etc. The only things are there were the names of various sefarim, I don't think he would be mad about that.


I don't like fancy shmancy chocolate, they don't have caramel and nuts and stuff. Mr. Goodbar and Nutrageous is much yummier. My issue would be that DR across the street, probably charges 3 times as much as Sam's club or the regular grocery store since it's a convenience store (I think ) and that would be a waste of money.

Actually drug store candy is about the same as you'd pay in a supermarket. (Not that I ch'v buy candy bars in the drug store except for maybe the parve non-chocolate ones that rot your teeth away like chuckles or tangy taffy.) Don't know about Sam's Club but don't you have to buy in bulk?

Ok. I didn't know it was a drug store. I thought it was a 7-11 type store. (I don't because of ch"v but I am farily certain that chocolate bars are always cheaper in grocery store than 7-11)

I was just kidding. I would probably be a bit shocked but would read it to the best of my ability.

What would be ideal birthday gifts for you? What would you put on a list that you would want your dear and beloved wife, may she be well, to find, let's say if she were to stumble on this thread?

I would definitely not appreciate chocolates. I would regard it as sabotage. Not being as strong willed as I was a few years ago if people give me chocolates, I eat them.

What in the world does marriage have to do with respect

Or a quote from "The slipper and the rose": "What does love have to do with getting married?"

Well my last gift was a flask, she really hit the nail on the head with that one. So, I'm sure whatever it is it will be fine. I guess if I had to pick it would be an item of clothing shirt or something.

My husband and I share birthdays. (same date, 3 years apart). We never forget ;-)

Obviously she is getting you back for your last anniversary which you totally forgot about until 9:30 when you picked up milk at the 7-11 and brought her home a mini balloon which was from their 50% off Valentines day leftovers....

This reminds me of an episode of Married With Children when Al went to the gas station to get Peggy last minute birthday presents.

MH likes me to buy him clothing just because he hates shopping so much; it's the only way his wardrobe gets updated. Either that or I shlep him to the shops. I'm not quite as ruthless as one of my daughters who goes through her husband's wardrobe, throws away whatever she thinks should be thrown away (no consultation) and buys him new stuff (again, no consultation), although sometimes I think I should be. In the play I was acting in, two years ago, I wore MH's chasunah suit from 38 yrs ago. He hasn't been able to fit into it for the past 36 yrs probably

I think you should just let it slide. Then, on her birthday, buy her really expensive diamond earrings. That will definatly rub it in!

I don't like getting anything. Waste of money all of it. I would just like acknowledgement of the day.

That's what MH says; "What I want for my birthday is for you not to spend money."

By far the best course of action.



Nah. If it's left completely unsaid, the guilt will torment her much more than anything you could say.