so... in my personal situation, i have an "ima" already... now im marrying my chosson of course... and he had a mommy(she was niftar, but we differenciate btw, her and his step mom by saying "mommy" or mom), and now he has his dad(daddy) and stepmom (ima)...

i personally have an issue calling his SM ima b/c... no one will ever replace my mother, even if it IS just a name...
daddy/dad etc i have no issue with b/c its all new to me..

what can i call his mother w/o insulting her and without covering up someone elses name?

I don't call my mother in law much. I feel that she deserves to be called with a more intimate name than shvigger. She's the most wonderful lady and I love her like I would love my own mom.
But being I'm the sixth daughter/son in law KA"H, it's a bit weird for me to start calling her mommy or something like it. I just don't call her much.

i have to call her something, shes a teacher, so sometimes i refer to her by her teacher name...its not so nice...im not her student, but when im talking about her i say morah blah... or by her first name

LOL!!!

You got yourself a problem. TG i can call mine Savta now! If kiddie isn't there, I stumble over Mom. It's worse for F.I.L.

I can rarely muster up what it takes to call my MIL "Mom" (and when I do, it's usually on her answering machine or when I know she can't hear me ), though I try. I figure I have to start calling her something now because the longer it takes for me to start calling her whatever I choose to call her, the weirder it will be.

It's so much easier once the kids come, because then you can just say "bubby" and "zaidy". I don't remember what I used to say before I had kids, I probably just didn't call them.

Why don't you ask her? And if you feel weird asking her outright, make sure that you and your chassan kind of drift onto the subject when she's around and that will be your opening to ask her.

On a previous thread I suggested that when you start seeing someone and are introduced for the first time to the parents, you call them Mr. and Mrs. Whatever, as would be appropriate. It's then easy to just continue doing so until you are told by them otherwise.

or you could just say "sir" and "ma'am"

M'Lord

hehe dh calls my dad - Rabbi - and you will never meet anyone who is farther from being rabbi - part joke part respect. He doesn't call my mom anything (except - you!) but when he talks about her to someone else it's - Mrs......

It's M'Lud.

I actually discussed this one over with my future in-law's and I'm just going to call them Imma and Abba. I haven't yet done it to their face (its still too weird), but I hope to eventually.

The longer you wait the harder it'll be.

Start right away, while you're still engaged because better get used to it now. Calling your in-laws by whatever term your spouse calls them, can only help make a relationship better. Yeah, it's weird all right at first, but then it just becomes second nature.

My only problem has been that my husband and his sibs have been calling their mom, "Ma" for decades, so that's what I also called her. Until we were married maybe 3 or 4 years and she decided out of the blue that she wanted to be called "Mommy" and not "Ma." Prob #1: I already got used to "Ma," prob #2: my own mom is "Mommy." So I refer to her as "Ma" behind her back, but if I'm in her presence and addressing her, I do say "Mommy." That is indeed strange for me because she is not my mommy and never will be. But kibud av v'aim is a mitzva d'oraisa no matter how you argue it, so case closed. "Mommy" it will be in her presence.

Then it gets sticky when both my mom and her are present, as what happened this past Sunday. I called my own mom, "Mommy" and tried to avoid calling my MIL that, unless my mother was out of the room. I also have to respect my own mom, too.

Anyway, this whole issue is difficult but try to work hard to make it work and make your in-laws happy. The benefits will only increase.

Slightly off topic...
Conversation between two of my cousins when their widowed father announced he was remarrying:

boy 1- What are we supposed to call her?

boy 2- I think 'hey you' should suffice

Wonder what she thought of that?

I very much agree. You won't go all your life calling your in-laws pssst.... So you might as well bite the bullet sooner rather than later...

Ma.

ive asked my chosson what to call her, and we both still dont know...

ahhhhhhhhhh

Lucky for me, all four parents have different names such as "mom" and "ma." And, when I talk with my mom I use "ma" to refer to my mother-in-law.

It is akward to start calling someone else's mother "mom." But, there is no time like the present. Respect is often build when you call someone by a title. And that respect needs to be there with grandchildren, especially. And, although we give Rabbis or Doctors a certain level of respect by using titles, calling your in-laws Mr., Mrs., or Dr. probably isn't going to cut it. On the other hand, calling a FIL Rabbi Ploni might be OK.

Would it be too hard to just ask what they'd like to be called? I wouldn't know because I'm not even thinking about getting married for at least 2 years.

I think that the most difficult situation is when your own mother and the FMIL are called the same thing--for instance, you and your chosson both call your mothers "Mommy" or "Ima". It would feel weird, maybe even wrong, to call your FMIL the same thing you call your own mother, because in your mind, the title already belongs to your mother and not the FMIL. If I'm not mistaken, this is the situation Pazz is facing (correct me if I'm wrong).

Possible conversation:

You: I'm so happy to be a part of your family now. I was just wondering what you'd like me to call you.
MIL: Oh, just call me Mom
You: My mother is called mom, so that may become awkward. Do you have any suggestions on how we can resolve that?
MIL: In that case, just call me Brenda. Having someone call me by my first name makes me feel young again.

Okay, this MIL is unrealistically nice. But what's the worst thing that could happen with that approach?

It might not be respectful to call her by her name even if she is the one to suggest it.

exactly... and bri.. i cant have that convo, she would get too insulted that "she is not on the same level as my mother" (yes, we all know, she shouldnt get insulted, but she does)

For two years I dithered over what to call FIL and Mil, as soon as my brother in law gets engaged - his kallah starts calling them mummy and daddy!! So that has helped me choke out the words when i need to. I was a tad jealous that she could do it so easily. Simply because when We married FIl had some crazy idea about me calling him by his first name and I didn't want that either. I found it disrespectful. Then sis in law comes along calls him daddy, and suddenly he swallows his request and doesn't say a word!! (kol hakovod to him.)

Just don't call your MIL nothing at all. My MIL is very bothered that her daughters-in-law don't call her mommy. (If you're interested, read my above post on p.1) Of course I do, but that doesn't stop her from promptly forgetting that fact. Really, she's very bothered that one of my SILs blatantly calls her nothing at all (is that an oxymoron?). Not even an attempt at what to call her. My MIL confided in me that she's heard my SIL (who's not really frum) refer to her by her first name when speaking to her mother about her. Both behaviors together are very disrespectful and also hurtful to my MIL and anyone else whom it would happen to.

Another thing I can't stand is when a child-in-law doesn't call the in-laws anything, so when speaking to the spouse, refers to them as "your mother," "your father." It sounds to me like, "your mother did such-and-such [insert proper whiny tone of voice]!"

Just remember all this when you become a mother in law.

tell your future mil that you would like to call her something but dont want to call her the same name as your mother because she is NOT your mother. You have a different love for her. ask her what she did. if you call your mother, mommy, then use the next words of endearments for her, mom, ma, mother. Dont use the word shviger unless she requests it.
I know one mother who is close with the family yet the dil calls her shviger and the mother hates it and feels its a slap in the face for all that is done.
another mother said one of her dil doesnt call her anything.
another mother said her sil called her "hey you" but laughed it off saying it was the uncomfortableness that he was having, and she remembered her days as a newly wed.
another...well some find it hard when the two mothers are together. one mother said to her son. it is okay to call your mil mom when i am here.
another person feels uncomfortable calling mil mom when the bro/sis inlaws are around, because thinks that they are thinking, she is NOT your mother, she is ours.

figure it out and let this be the most uncomfortable thing you deal with.

Both my wife and I don't call our respective in-laws anything. When we refer to them to other people we just say my shver/shvigger. But when we give them cards or things like that we write whatever their children call them. On my fathers b-day card we wrote Dear Daddy b/c I call him daddy. But to their faces we don't really address them.

bump